Blog.

Confronting Your Inner Critic.

 

 

We all have one. That inner voice that tends to judge, use put downs, and continually tell us that we are not good enough. That voice that tends to control us and severely impact our sense of self-esteem. It tells us that we have no right to “play big” or risk. That we shouldn’t even try because we’ll never make it. It latches onto our perceived flaws, weaknesses, limitations and keeps us stuck in a place of mental and emotional paralysis. It tells us that others are more favourable, that they are better- more talented, better looking, smarter etc. That they would never “mess up” the way we have. That they have it all together. It conjures up illusions of the “perfect other” and keeps us dormant.

Your inner critic typically sounds something like this:

  • “That was stupid!”
  • “You could have done that better.”
  • “You should have known better.”
  • “You’re such a disappointment.”
  • “I am so weak.”
  • “I’ll never be anything.”
  • “I knew I couldn’t do it.”
  • “You may as well give up.”
  • “You’re a failure.”
  • “Look how capable _______________ is.”

 

Shaming, degrading, discouraging, limiting, and usually, completely automatic. The inner critic can take some time to identify, as we are typically not even aware of the voice inside our minds and the profound impact it is having on our emotions and actions. The inner critic is also habitual, learned, and therefore changeable.

It’s in your power to change the critical voice which holds you, but it requires a dedicated willingness, persistence, patience and an abundance of self-compassion.

Imagine for a moment, a time when your critical voice took over. Bring yourself to that moment. Immerse yourself in the feelings of that moment, as difficult and as painful as it might be, remembering that you’re safe now, and grounded in this moment. If you can, however, try and reflect on the following questions:

  •   If your self-critical thoughts took on the appearance of a person, what would           this person look like?
  •          What is this person’s facial expression?
  •         Is this person big or small in comparison to you?
  •          What is this person’s tone of voice like?
  •         Is this person directing emotions your way? If so, what are they?
  •          Does he or she remind you of anyone?

(Welford, 2013, p. 40-41).

What have you discovered through reflecting on the questions above? Not surprisingly, the critic can often take on the appearance, stance, and tone of the person who was most critical toward you. We internalize their voice, until self-inflicted pain is all we know and the belief that criticism is all we are deserving of overwhelms us, making it all that more difficult to break the pattern. Plus, as odd as it may seem, there is comfort and security in the criticism for it is familiar, and solace usually comes from what we know, and what is predictable.

Welcome fear and hesitation around the prospect of ending your relationship with your critic. It’s natural. Be patient with yourself.

  •         What’s your greatest fear around giving up your self-criticism?
  •         What do you think might happen if you let it go?
  •         When reflecting on the emotions brought up by your self-critic do you think it          has your best interests at heart?
  •          Does it take joy in seeing you be happy and doing well?
  •          If your self-critic does have your best interests at heart, is it going about it the           right way?

(Welford, 2013, p. 42)

The thing about self-criticism is, it often makes us believe that we need it in order to grow, change and evolve. That without it we are destined to a life of mediocrity. That it is what motivates us to do better and be better. We begin to believe that achievement and criticism go hand in hand, because it is through being hard on ourselves that we are able to strive and succeed. And, this is all well and good…for a while at least. It’s all well and good until it begins to hinder our willingness to risk because we become fearful of the consequences we will surely endure if we fail.

Risk is the birth place of personal evolution.

The mere prospect of failure becomes crippling because we begin to feel that we would not be able handle the messages our internal critic would deliver to us should we not attain or achieve the outcome we desire. And so, we become stagnant, and mediocre.

Personal growth must come from a place of self-love.

Softness and gentleness are imperative mechanisms for change, because they allow us to give ourselves permission to falter and fail without condemning us to a feeling of complete and utter shame if the outcome is not that which we hoped for.

So, I encourage you to get cozy with your inner critic, as uncomfortable as it may be- for it is only through our awareness of its presence that we are able to eradicate it, and welcome the freedom found it unwavering self-love, for that is where your happiness, joy, and fulfillment rest.

 

Shame, Perfectionism, and Sacred Protection.

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Shame. That all too familiar urge to hide, and retreat, to lash out and attack in an attempt to protect and defend yourself in response to a cutting comment or an excruciating experience. Feelings of unbearable exposure and fear ridden vulnerability take over. The sense that you are completely alone in this world seems like an irrefutable fact.  Thoughts of self-judgement arise. You begin to believe that you are unlovable. Not good enough. A failure. That you will never amount to anything. That you have nothing of value to contribute to this world. That you are a waste of space.

Shame is universal.
We all experience it at some point in our lives, under various guises. Shame is often masked, hidden, and seemingly undetectable. Perfectionism is one of those masks. It is a way of staying hidden. Staying guarded and impenetrable. It helps us to defend ourselves against exposing the parts of ourselves that we believe no one could truly love and accept. We become consumed by the need to look and behave perfectly at all times, never allowing ourselves to falter- for that would be far too risky. We begin to believe that perfection is the prerequisite for acceptance. That people expect certain things of us and that we must abide by these expectations to keep the connections we have. The possibility of true connection is taken off the table, because we begin to believe that we can’t show our true selves to the world, without having it be rejected. The belief in the need for perfectionism becomes stronger and stronger and we become increasingly isolated, but appearances won’t let anybody know that. We live in the space of “I’m good!” while we are really just trying to keep everything from falling apart. Loneliness sets in, and shame continues to build. Layer upon layer. We begin to feel trapped- perfectionism severely limits us. We start to feel as though we are confined in prison cell. We begin to believe that there is no hope for escape. But, here’s the thing: we hold the key, and it is in our power to choose if we are going to use that key. Using the key though requires a great deal of risk… it just seems too scary, for the key is imperfection in all its inherent vulnerability.

Liberation is found in the embrace and acknowledgement of imperfection.

 Liberation is found in speaking your imperfections. Owning them and embracing them and having them be met with relentless empathy. One person to get down with you on that level to say, “yeah, I’ve totally been there too.” One person who will meet you on that plane of vulnerability. One person who will lovingly sit alongside you to peel back the layers.

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” –Brene Brown


Empathy remedies shame. At the same time though, we must be careful about who we choose our “vulnerability running buddy” to be. Not everyone can hold our story. That is just a fact.  And so, we must use our discretion.We must protect our hearts, but not to the point where they become inaccessible. It’s about living from the space of sacred protection. Living from the knowing that our innermost “stuff” is the stuff of divinity. Immensely precious. Immensely sacred. Living from the knowing that you are immensely sacred. Living from the space of remembering your divinity.

Openness is not about letting it all “hang out” it’s about operating from a place of recognizing your value and sharing yourself with those who have proven themselves worthy of hearing your story. True, authentic, raw openness requires sacred protection grounded in unfaltering acceptance and big love.

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude: A Love Note to Life.

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If you and I are friends on Facebook, you have probably seen one of my many gratitude lists. I write them frequently and typically with a sense of abandon… it is literally my soul on the page, summed up into words that always seem somewhat inadequate to express what I feel. An attempt to convey this seemingly inexplicable connection to life… to spirit… to goodness…to love. To express a  feeling of being nurtured, supported and fulfilled. An expression of the knowing that life, ultimately, has my back.

I’m not saying that bad and painful things do not and have not happened to me… they absolutely have. But, what I have found is that the intentional practice of gratitude allows me to better delve into my pain. It has provided me with a life preserver of sorts. A thread to grasp in moments of overwhelm and the seemingly unbearable. A consistent reassurance that there are moments of untainted good in the bad. Its reliability is empowering. It simply requires a commitment to the willingness to notice.

I started my intentional gratitude practice approximately two years ago, at a time of great emotional upheaval, and I can say that without a doubt that it was, and still is, one of the most powerful practices that has helped me on my journey of embracing a life of fearless authenticity. The practice has helped me to more purposefully engage with the now. It allows me to embrace the moment completely, dropping my worries of what is to come. It also has enabled me to form more authentic and meaningful relationships with others, because I’m more connected in the moment- attuned, engaged, and present with that person. Incredibly powerful stuff. Gratitude is no longer I feeling I experience only upon reflection… it now happens in that very moment.

Gratitude keeps us alert to the miraculous. 

The more intentional we are about it, the more we find to be grateful for. It radically shifts our focus. It transforms. It allows us to recognize the beauty that resides in every kind word, every compassionate action, every moment of laughter, every hug, every interaction, every moment of stillness, every gorgeous view. It reminds us that life is a privilege.

Suddenly, we begin to feel overwhelmingly abundant. Happier. More peaceful and at ease with life. Nourished. We begin to recognize the power that we each have to shape our lives.

Ultimately, we all hold the power to choose the lens we are going to wear.

And so, in the spirit of this post, I am inviting you to sit in some deep gratitude. I challenge you to name at least three things you are grateful for right now.  Claim it, state it, declare it. Don’t hold back.

 

 

What’s Driving You? (Some Words on Figuring Out Your “Why”).



Why are you doing what you’re doing?
 
What is the core motivation behind your decision to invest time in certain activities and not others?
 
A few days ago, I found myself reading an article discussing the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Needless to say, the article prompted me into reflection. It got me thinking about the choices I have made in my life and how they have contributed to where I sit today.
 
Extrinsic Motivation: Motivation arsing from the desire to earn a particular reward, validation or to avoid potentially adverse consequences of not completing the given activity. Focus is on the external.
 
Intrinsic Motivation: Motivation arising from a genuine and authentic desire to complete an activity for its inherent enjoyment to you. It’s about personal fulfillment. It’s about what lights you up and gets you excited. It’s about passion. It’s about feeling connected to your truth. It’s about your unique message. It’s about self-love and knowing that you’re worth it. Focus is on the internal.
 
For years, I admit, I was someone who was extrinsically motivated. I did things with the purpose of receiving validation from others. I lived with the idea that my worth was tied up in other people’s recognition of my value. I desperately craved approval and external assurance that I was “good enough.” I molded myself to fit their idea of who I should be. It didn’t feel good, but the risk of not receiving their approval was far too anxiety-provoking, and so I became comfortable with continual self-betrayal. At that time, compromising who I was for the potential “fix” of external approval was a small price to pay.
 
That was, until I had a conversation with one of the people I craved approval from the most. It was an intensely painful conversation, but a life-changing one. I am forever grateful to this person for giving me the hard-hitting truths that he did, because I know that if he hadn’t done this, I would still be that person chasing that elusive carrot. (And this carrot by the way, can come cloaked in many different masks- money, grades, awards, weight, promotions… etc.)
 
That conversation was my ticket to personal liberation and fierce self-love. It allowed me the space to realize that what I was chasing all of these years wasn’t actually there to begin with. I had been relinquishing my power, and doing myself a grand disservice. Was a disempowered life really the one that I wanted to live? Is that what I wanted my life to be a testament to? Not so much.
 
It got me thinking about this:
 
What would actually happen if I stopped doing things for the approval of others and just for myself?  
 
Would there be some push back? Probably. There always is when you start asserting yourself and taking a stand for your worth.
 
Would I be happier? Most definitely.
Would I feel liberated? Absolutely. 
Today, I do things because I am intrinsically motivated to do them. I do things because they make me happy and feel fulfilled. It was a difficult shift to make, I admit, but the more I began listening to the call of my true desires, the easier it became to listen to and trust that voice. Trust that you know what is best for you. Trust that the only person you need approval from is yourself. Trust that the more dedicated you are to satisfying the internal yearning that drives you, the more you will be able to give. 

Committing your time to the things that make you shine is the most radical act of self-love there is. 
 
Operating from a space of intrinsic motivation allows us to make conscious and purposeful choices… choices that arise from a feeling of abundance rather than lack. Our focus thus becomes much more centered on what we can give rather than what we can get. It becomes about service and a genuine desire to share what we have to offer (and we ALL have something to offer). Our selflessness becomes infused with a new level of authenticity, because we are no longer concerned about outcome. It’s no longer about how it’s received, because we are no longer yearning to fill an internal void. 
 
Talk about freedom. 

Some Words on Inspiration.

“You’re an inspiration.”
 
A phrase I have heard countless times throughout my life, and one that I have truthfully, come to dislike. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that when people tell me they find me inspiring it is coming from a well-intentioned place. That it is likely coming from a desire to connect with me. I do truly appreciate it. But the phrase has always made me uncomfortable, and it wasn’t until recently that I put some time and thought into figuring out why.
 
I realized that for me, the word “inspiration” carries the connotation of elevation and disconnection. For me, it signifies that one is different from the rest. Images of looking up and pedestals come to mind. Inaccessible. Not relatable.  
 
The notion of “us” (to be inspired) and “them” (the holders of inspiration). Self-judgement. Striving. Reaching. The feeling of not good enough yet. Not good enough until. Aspiring to be better.
 
Missing your innate greatness in the process.
 
We are all inspiring, because we are all human, and we all have stories to tell. We all have stories of triumph. Stories of failing. Stories of mistake-making. Stories of overcoming. Stories of radical insight. Stories of change. Stories of transformation. Stories of transcendence.  Stories of imperfection. Stories of vulnerability and courage. Stories of generosity and gratitude. Stories of pure love.

We all have unique stories that carry the power to connect us to our neighbour, our co-worker, that guy walking down the street, that girl in the coffee shop, that person sitting next to us on the bus, that person behind us in line at the grocery store etc.
 
Each of our stories is innately unique, but through each story is a thread which connects to the larger human experience. We are all holding it, and it is through our grasp of this thread that empathy is cultivated.

Inspiration is founded in the willingness to be real, transparent, raw, and relatable. It is found on the platform of equal ground. Heart-to-heart connections. It is found in the realization that to be inspiring is an inherent state of being. It is not reserved for a select few.
 
Inspiration is about authenticity. A fearless devotion to yourself- your passions, your likes, your dislikes, your mistakes, your dreams, your missteps, your successes, your strengths, your hopes, your excitement, and an unabashed willingness to share all that makes you, you. Inspiration is about openness.
 
Inspiration is about a commitment to embracing your individuality while recognizing your connection to the collective.
 
Individuality connects. Embracing who you are without hesitation, gives others the permission to do the same. Permission to be raw, radically shifting the nature of human interaction on a fundamental level as a result. No more masks and quickly stated “I’m fines.” Rather, more “I am fantastic! How are you?!” More “Life is amazing, I am so grateful to be alive.” More “I’m actually feeling pretty crappy right now.” More “I need a hug.” More “It’s SO great to see you!”

Commit to the expression of what’s real for you.
 
Reveal yourself without hesitation.
 
Revel in all that makes you, you. Revel in your greatness. Revel in your struggles. Revel in your individuality. Revel in your imperfection. Revel in your inherent awesomeness.
 
 Share it.
 
You’re an inspiration.
 

 

Remember Your Humanness.

 




I’m a bit of a compassion junkie. If you have read anything that I have written, you likely have figured out that for me, compassion is my core guiding value. I want my life to be a reflection of it, infused in all that I do and  in all that I say. For me, the practice of compassion is transcendent. It allows me to feel connected to life in an inexpiable way, and functions as a constant reaffirmation of my connection to a greater source. As I have developed as a therapist over the last few years, my relationship to, and interest in the study of compassion has only grown stronger. I have piles of books dedicated to the subject sitting next to my bed, and read nightly to end my day with a little burst of inspiration. Most of the literature I have read speaks about compassion as a deep desire to alleviate the suffering of others, and it is my best guess that this is the definition that most people hold in their minds- compassion is a trait to be focused outward. This is the definition I subscribed to for many years as well, until I read a book titled Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. This book radically changed the way I relate to the concept of compassion. In her book, Neff asserts that while compassion is to be focused outward, it is also to be focused inward, toward ourselves.
 
Radical right?!
 
At first thought, the notion of directing compassion toward ourselves may seem and feel a bit uncomfortable- after all, the critic within each of us can give us a multitude of reasons why we don’t deserve it. It may tell us that the things we’ve done are far too shameful to warrant compassion- that although compassion is all well and good for those around us, we are the exception. That somehow, we should have known better. That we are disconnected, and separate from the rest. Welcome that all too familiar shame spiral born of self-judgement. Consequently, we often begin to believe that we must engage in self-judgement and self-criticism as a way to keep us from doing that (those) all too shameful thing(s) again. We become increasingly unhappy, fearful and emotionally paralyzed. We condemn ourselves to a life of discontentment because we begin to believe that that is all we are worthy of.
 
And so, here are my questions for you:
 
  •          What really makes you so different from everyone else?
  •          Have we not all made mistakes and done things we are not proud of?
  •          Could it be that you were doing the best that you could in that given moment?
  •          Could it be that you were simply trying to fill some underlying need or void? (i.e. a              need for belonging, acceptance, love, connection etc.)
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that self-compassion is a way to let yourself “off the hook.” Rather, I am saying that, yes, although you may have made mistakes, they do not define you. Imperfection is a part of being human, and past mistakes do not change your worth. Worthiness is to be claimed, not earned. It is a gift that comes with being human. It is unchangeable and constant. You are worthy of love, belonging, unconditional acceptance, compassion, happiness, connection etc. regardless of the things you have done or have not done. It is an irrefutable fact.
 
Self-compassion is a commitment to your long-term well-being, not short-term gratification.
 
The practice of self-compassion asks you to begin to relate to yourself with self-kindness when you have failed, made a mistake, feel inadequate and so on. It asks you to recognize imperfection and begin to speak to yourself more kindly.

Imagine a close friend of yours is going through the same thing you are. This friend has made a mistake, has failed at something, and is right in the depths of a shame spiral. 
 
  •          How would you speak to this friend?
  •          What would you say to this friend to comfort him or her?
Turn those words away from your friend and toward yourself, remembering that at your core, you are no different from your friend.
The practice of self-compassion also asks you to recognize the interconnectedness of all human beings. It operates on the core premise that we are fundamentally the same. Underneath all appearances, abilities and perceived differences, we are all looking for the same things in this life. We really are on this ride together. 
 
Finally, the practice of self-compassion asks you to be mindful of your feelings related to the various experiences you have had. It asks you to practice unconditional acceptance toward whatever feelings are coming up for you- even the ones that are immensely difficult and painful to feel, for it is in facing them that we allow them to dissipate.
 
 
How do you think your life would change if you were to treat yourself more compassionately? 

Hold Space for the Emergence of your Brilliance.

 
How often do you take a day to engage with what makes you illuminate?
 
When I sit down to write a piece, I typically do so plagued by feelings of discomfort- an internal pull of creative tension. It becomes something that I must do. To write makes me feel connected, fulfilled and of service, to both myself and others. Writing, for me, is an act of self-care.
 
But there were many years writing was something I put off until that elusive later. Other things kept me busy. My life was filled with obligations, and things that I felt I should do first- things that I had labeled as “necessary” and more important than taking the time to answer the call of the creative tension within me. I had structured my life in such a way that I was not allowing myself the opportunity of creative expression.
 
However, I have come to recognize the sheer importance of scheduling time for writing. Writing allows me find light in the muddled hustle of life. It allows me to find clarity and get centered. It allows me to sit with and reflect on my most deeply held values. It allows me to engage with life in a more real and authentic way, because allowing myself the space to write gets me grounded in the present moment. It cultivates my passion and expands my vision for what’s possible in all areas of my life. It energizes me and drives me forward.

 

Prioritize time for what lights you up- it is the key to long term productivity.
Making time for your art- whatever that is for you- allows you to shine brighter. It allows you to recognize and completely immerse yourself in that which is your unique brilliance. It helps you maintain focus and liberate your potential. It allows you to be more productive in other areas of your life, and leads to the creation of a life rooted in contentment.
 
Taking time for what lights you up no longer becomes something left to the last rung on the ladder of priorities. It becomes necessary- necessary for your well-being and necessary for the well-being of those around you. 
 
What will you do this week to illuminate? 

Fearlessness: Deconstructed.

 
 
 
Fearlessness. I am all about it. I write about it. I speak about it. And, I try, the very best that I can to live it. But, when I talk about being fearless, I am not talking about the absence of fear, nor am I talking about the denial of it. Actually, I am talking about the embrace of it. To me, fearlessness is all about sitting with and facing fear- understanding that the experience of it is part of being human.
 
 
Fear is not inherently bad. We need it in order to survive and thrive, because without it we would have no way of identifying threat or danger. It protects us- it is needed, normal, and healthy. However, fear becomes problematic when it begins to take on a life beyond our control. When it begins to control each and every decision we make, and thus, prevents us from living life with the zest that we would like to. It can dominate our deepest yearnings by blocking us from fulfilling them, which ultimately truncates the size of our lives, keeps us small, therefore often leaving us with perpetual feelings of dis-ease, dissatisfaction, and discomfort.   
 
 
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” – Les Brown
 
 
But here’s the thing: discomfort is really the name of the whole game. Discomfort will be present in the act of submitting to our fears as well as in the act of embracing them. It’s simply a matter of choice. Discomfort can either function as a mechanism which keeps us small, or a mechanism which allows us to push, embrace, and ultimately shine…and that is what fearlessness is. It is the understanding that we can give discomfort the power to foster growth and personal expansion, and that often, it can be used to serve us rather than to hinder us.
It’s simply a matter of going deep with the discomfort of your fear, and looking at it for what it is.
 
 Asking yourself:
 
 
·         Am I in any real danger here?
®     Could I get seriously injured or die doing this?
®     Am I putting others at risk?
·         What am I really afraid of?
®     Failing
®     Looking stupid
®     Making a mistake
®     Disappointing others
®     Disappointing myself
·         What will it mean if I fail, look stupid, make a mistake, disappoint myself or others etc.?
®     That I am unlovable?
®     That I am not good enough?
®     That I am a failure?
®     That I am worthless?
·         Is this really true?
 
My best guess is a resounding NO. It’s not really true that you would be unlovable, worthless, an outright failure, or not good enough if you failed at something, made a mistake, looked stupid in front a whole bunch of people, disappointed yourself or others etc. You would in fact be just as lovable, worthy and awesome.
 
 
Don’t let your sense of worth be defined by external factors. Understand that your worth is constant and inherent, and welcome true liberation of self. Welcome an increased willingness to grow, expand, evolve, and risk.
 
 
Embrace your fear. Your life is waiting.

Release (Negative) Judgement: Honor the Uniqueness of the Journey.

 

 
We’re all guilty of it, and I’m more guilty of it than I’d like to admit… passing arbitrary, and often unfounded judgement on others. It usually goes something like this:
 
That rude customer service rep?  She’s a bitch.
 
That friend who seems to keep making the same mistakes again and again? She’s stupid, and should really know better by now.
 
That waiter who took “forever” to bring the meal to the table? He’s slow. Lazy. Clearly not suited for the job.
 
That employee who keeps making mistakes? She’s not smart enough.  
 
That guy who is quick to lose his cool? He’s an asshole.
 
And it goes on… the list is literally endless. To judge others, is part of the human experience. We all do it, for various reasons. We do it to make ourselves feel better, to prove that we’re right, to compensate for personal insecurity and sometimes, we judge in an effort to connect with and be accepted by others.
 
To pass judgement signals the creation of a hierarchy in which the individual making the judgement places him or herself above or apart from the individual being judged. It says “there is nothing about this person that I can identify or connect with.” At its root lies disconnection and the notion that we are inherently different from one another. It fails to recognize the commonalities of the human experience. It denies that fact that at the end of the day, we are all striving for the exact same thing: to feel loved, and accepted and to know that we matter.
 
The act of judgement is a failure to recognize our humanness. It is a failure to recognize that it all boils down to this:
 
We are all doing the best we can to make it through this beautiful mess called life, the best way we know how.

 
“Have compassion for everyone you meet, even when they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.”
– Miller Williams


The truth is, none of us really know what we’re doing. We are all students of life, and none of us have the answers, and to believe that we do only serves to stunt our personal growth. To believe in the idea of absolutes is to shut ourselves off from the possibility of expansion, and novel insight. It hardens our hearts.

To adopt the stance of not knowing keeps us soft, open, and compassionate. It allows us to give others a break, because we recognize how often we need one too. From this standpoint, the question becomes “what gives me the right to judge if we are all on equal ground?”
 
That customer service rep? That friend? That waiter? That employee? That guy? They are just doing the best they can. They are on their own path colored by a myriad of unique experiences, some of which have been joyous and uplifting and others which have been immensely painful and heartbreaking.
 
Speak with love. Act compassionately. Give generously.
 
We are all in this together.

How Facing my Mortality Got Me in Touch with my Life’s Purpose.


As some of you may know, I have been facilitating grief support groups for three years now. Companioning individuals as they walk the torturous and unpredictable path of grief is one of my deepest and greatest passions. I consider it a true honor and privilege to sit alongside others as they move toward healing, bearing witness to incredibly powerful stories of love and connection. Not surprisingly though, doing this “work” has resulted in a number of monumental insights for me. Most significantly, I have noted that my relationship to my mortality has undergone a palpable shift. Where the relationship was once rooted in fear and anxiety, it is now rooted in gratitude and deep appreciation. I now see that death is a necessary part of life, for it is with the knowledge that each moment is irreplaceable and unique that we can begin to engage with life in a fearless way. Each moment is miraculous and potent. 

I realized that purpose isn’t so much about the accomplishments we can accumulate on our resumes, but more about the values and intentions we bring to every little thing that we do. And so, I now live from a place of being more conscious of my eulogy than my resume.  “Who do I want to be remembered as?” “Does this align with who I am, or who I desire to be?” “What is my message?” are all questions I entertain with each decision I make. My focus has shifted to legacy building and has become about who I want to be, rather than accumulating accomplishments, and what I want to be. Thus, despite common conception, your purpose isn’t necessarily found in your career- although, yes, it sometimes can be.
For me, discovering my purpose has been all about identifying my core guiding value. That is, identifying the one value that drives my actions, my words, my thoughts and my interactions with others.
Fierce compassion.
Fierce compassion is the core guiding value that I would like my life to be a testament to. At the end of the day, that is the mark I want to leave on this world. A legacy is built through who we are, not what we do, and it is in that frame of mind that one’s purpose ultimately emerges.
And so, I ask you, what is your core guiding value?